I Love You to the Bones
by bbjmet
Summary: And I fall upon my knees and give myself to you...Mark/Roger. The first RENT story I ever really wrote.
1. Prologue Chew and Swallow

**I Love You to the Bones**

Summary: And I fall upon my knees and give myself to you…Mark falls into a dark world of anorexia and bulimia. Don't read if you don't like angst. Eventual MarkRoger. Angel lives. My first RENT Story so be nice.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

**Prologue**

Mark Cohen POV

There is only one thing I know of that I can control. Food. What comes in and what comes out. Roger is getting sicker and Mimi died last year. I will have no one except my camera. Maureen moved with Joanne to California with her law firm. Angel and Collins adopted a baby and come by once a month. I feel selfish to be the one who has to be worried about when on some days Roger can't get out of bed. He knows I'm not eating but I have the best of excuses. We don't have enough money, which is true of course but I know he knows that that's not the real reason. He knows me better than anyone else and he doesn't ask me about it. Like I never ask him about how he feels about Mimi. I stopped asking four months ago.

It's hardest to seem "normal" on the once a month trips with Roger to The Life with Angel and Collins and baby Angelica. I ordered a salad and pick around while never stopping the conversation so as not to get lost in chewing and eat too much. Collins talks about his teaching at NYU and how the kids would rather watch TV. Something he's said numerous times. Angel brags on how Angelica can walk by herself now and is getting into everything. Roger looks at me throughout the whole thing as if he's counting how many bites I'm taking or something. It's annoying to say the least. He needs to worry about getting better not about me. Angel tries to get Angelica to say "Mama" but to no avail. Oddly enough Angelica looks like Angel in a way with the same brown eyes and complexion. I wonder what my children would look like. Hopefully not as screwed up as I am. Lunch is over and as we hug goodbye, Angelica says "bye bye" and Angel squeals in delight and carries her out the door, Collins holding Angel's hand. Some things never change.

A/N: Short yes I know. I want to know if any of you like the idea and where I'm going with this before I get too wrapped in it. So Reviews greatly appreciated.


	2. Chapter 1 Eating the Tears

Chapter 1: I live this moment as my last

Mark Cohen POV

"Hey Roger, Wait up!" I'm trying to get his attention since he just ran off from The Life like that but he's ignoring me. I finally catch up with him and he turns around and its then I notice he's crying. "Roger, what's wrong?" I put my hand on his shoulder and now I'm trying not to cry. "Why are you doing this to your self, Mark? You're not eating, you are all depressed, and you're not you anymore!" I knew this was going to happen. One day or another it was going to. As much as I don't want to believe it Roger does care. I don't know what to say. I just look at him. "So what you're just going to stand there? Answer me Mark!" He grabs my shoulders and looks at me. His gorgeous green eyes are filled with worry and sadness, everything I was trying to prevent. "I'm Sorry." That's all I can say. "You're sorry?!?!?! Goddamnit Mark! Why can't you just tell me what's wrong?" I'm horribly cold and people are staring at us. "Can we go inside?" I can barely whisper now. Roger shakes his head and starts going up the steps.

"How long?" he asks me as soon as I get inside. How long? Is he seriously asking me this? I can't even remember. I think maybe six months. Maybe eight. "I don't know. Probably since you've gotten sicker." "Oh, Mark. Don't. Please." Now he's weeping and I just want to hug him or something. This is all my fault. "Marky, you can't destroy yourself like this." He hasn't called me that since we were in Junior High. How can I make him feel guilty? He hasn't done anything, yet I'm pinning everything on him. "Roger I'm not destroying myself." Lie. Yea, that's the thing to do. "Don't lie to me, Mark." He sees right through me. "We both know I'm going to die. And I admit since Mimi died I haven't been trying hard enough to fight this as long as I can. But lately I've started to feel better and then you just…….just…" He starts crying again. I realize it's the first time I've seen him cry since Mimi's funeral. I sit down next to him. Seeing him cry makes my heart break into millions of pieces. He stops crying and looks at me again. "I don't want you to die Mark." He said it. What I've always said to him when he was on the edge of death. I must be blinded as to not see how sick I am. "I couldn't live without you." He could. I know he could. He hugs me and squeezes me tight and I can't hold it in anymore. I cry into his arms for what seems like an eternity. "We both need to survive Mark." I go in my room and close the door.

Roger won't talk to me. I keep apologizing but he won't say a word. Roger has been taking his AZT, I've noticed because of the prescription bottles in the kitchen. I'm starting to cut. Which is something I haven't done since High School. It feels so good though. All of this makes me want to scream and cry. Even filming has lost all of its appeal. I still do it of course. Mark and his camera. I hate Roger worrying about me. And I hate worrying about Roger. I hate cutting. I hate purging. I hate starving. I need to go somewhere else. DO something besides film and cut and worry about Roger and what I'm eating. I could do what Roger did, go to Santa Fe. But I don't think I can. Not under all this.

"Roger, would you stop ignoring me?" Nothing. Not a word or a glance. "I need to talk to you." "Mark. Stop." "Stop what? I'm not doing anything." "You're acting like everything is fine and dandy, when its not." But it's what I do best. I may be a filmmaker but I'm also a very good actor. "I know and I'm sorry." "I just don't know what to do Mark. You scare me so much." Now I'm scaring him. "Let's go to Santa Fe." Whoa Mark where did this come from? "What?" he appears to be dumbfounded. "I mean it let's go." Well aren't I Mr. Spontaneous? "We can't just run Mark." Yes, Yes I know. He's told me this so many times. "Well then what can we do?" "You can tell me what's going on with you for one." Freeze. Again with the questions. Again what do I say? I want to tell him everything. But of course I just stand there looking at the floor. "Do you have anorexia or something?" "No well yes." For some reason I can't breathe right. "Why didn't you tell me before?" "I wanted to but I didn't want to worry you." Oh God it hurts. "Mark You are worrying me more now. Are you cutting again?" He knows. He knows me so well. Oh God I can't stand anymore. I love him so much. I'm not good enough for him. "MARK! MARK!" He's screaming at me but I don't hear a thing. He lifts my sleeves and sees the deep cut marks. He's feeling my ribs and sobbing. I'm on the floor now. "MARKY!!!!" All I hear is silence. It's growing dark. All there is is blackness. It's too dark.


	3. Chapter 2 Dancing in Cars

**A/N: Thanks to all the reviewers! It has helped with the over nervousness lol :D  
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"_May I have this dance?" Roger is gorgeously clad in a black suit and green tie that matches his eyes. "You may" I reply and take his hand. Now how did this happen? I was just at the loft, now I'm in this beautiful ballroom with these chandeliers that appear to be made of diamonds. The ceilings are huge and have pictures of angels blowing silver trumpets. Who knew Roger Davis was such a good dancer? Dancing with him makes me feel like I'm floating. Maybe I'm dead. If this is Heaven, I'm not complaining. He's whispering something, but I can't quite make it out. Why am I wearing sneakers? It is just like me to make a horrible shoe mistake like this. He's probably laughing at me. I can't believe it. Oh now I can hear him he's asking me where I learned to tango. So that's the dance we're doing. I have no clue. Which is what I tell him and he says I need to sleep. Sleep? We are in the middle of this wonderfully unbelievable dance and he's telling me to sleep. Now I'm falling to the floor and he's falling down with me, laughing and holding my hand. "Oh Mark" He says with that grin he has, you know the one, "I love you so much" Me? He loves me? Ok now I know I'm in Heaven. This can't be hell where I suspected I was going, if there was such a thing anyway. It's black again. Oh joy._

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_ Where are my clothes? Spotlight on me? This is embarrassing. Is any one here? "Hi Mark." Who is that? It sounds like me. But it can't be me. I am going psychotic. I should be doing the tango with Roger right now. "It's me. Don't you remember?" Someone appears and it looks like me when I was around 16.Oh look now I'm fully clothed. Wasn't I wearing this in the loft... Look at my hair. "Yea I remember you" I don't want to talk to….myself……..Whoa that's a new one, I want to talk to Roger! "That's good. Let's go for a ride." Oh great now there's a car. "Where are we going? And why does the sixteen year old me have a car? That is not fair." "First of all I can't tell you where we're going and second of all I am so much cooler than you were at sixteen." "You still have the hair smartass" "Watch it this is the most awesome hair ever." Ahhhhh The '80s. Good times. "Where is Roger?" I really don't need a ride right now. "Oh he's in the hospital with you. You took a bad fall. Little softie, he's been crying." "What are you talking about? I'm right here." "Part of you is. Now come on. Time is of the essence." He opens the car door, like I'm going to get in. "I'm not going anywhere with you until you tell me what's going on!" "I will explain on the way. Now unless you want to die, I suggest getting in." "I thought I was already dead." "You are, Sort of. Look just get in!" It is a pretty nice car. But this could be a big joke or something. He did say Roger was crying. I slowly get in. "Now where are we going?" It is still pathetically black outside. And he's going at least 80. "You'll find out soon enough. But I suggest a seatbelt." "I can't believe this. Where the fuck am I?" "You are in a '81 Corvette going around 90 now. Now if you value you life. I suggest the seatbelt. But I've heard you don't value much of anything anymore." "Hey that's not true. See I put on the seatbelt." "You know Mark you're not very convincing." "Put your hands on the wheel." Who's he to tell me if I am or am not convincing? Oh Right. He's Me. I think. "But it's more fun not to" "Well it's not going to be fun when we're flying out that windshield.""Oh but Mark wouldn't it be though? Wouldn't it be fun just to die? Cause I know I want to. Don't you?" "I don't….want..to die. Do I?" "Oh Mark I can't answer that. You already have. Now come on. Chin up. We're going to have some fun." "I don't want to have fun. I want to go home or out of here." "Why Mark? You don't like me? "No I don't. For someone that's supposed to be me, you're nothing like me." "I'm what you wanted to be Mark. However horribly cheesy that sounds. And you don't like me because of that. I understand. But hey I think I may want to be exactly like you." "You do?" "Yeah in fact I might just do that." I'm driving now? How did this happen? Oh God. I'm 16 again. "See Mark it is fun driving without hands."_


	4. Chapter 3 Dancing in the Fall

** Sorry for the long update. The life has been hectic. Finally had a chance to write. I was listening to The Kill by Thirty Seconds To Mars while writing so keep that in mind. This chapter contains strong language Oh and I know that italics are hard to read so this is not in them, but it's a dream or maybe not :)**

** Disclaimer: I own nothing**.

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Mark Age 27 POV 

We were going around 80 now it's s 105. It feels so good to go fast. We are entering a tunnel and my hands are shaking. He's sitting next to me laughing. I ask him why he's laughing and he points ahead of us. There's this huge fire and all these brightly colored ribbons shooting out of it and I think he's asking me to dance. He is grabbing my hand and I can't get my eyes off that fire. It is so bright now, it was so dark before. We're dancing, not near as nice as when me and Roger were dancing of course, and his hands feel like cold fire if you've ever felt it, you know it fucking hurts. It's very unusual to dance with yourself. I jump back in the natural reaction to pain and he stares deep into me likes he is reading my mind like a book. It's seems to be quite a page turner. He says I need to walk in the fire. I laugh. Is he serious? I am not going into anything with shooting ribbons. He tells me it won't hurt me. I don not care if it will hurt me I tell him. Why can't I just go back to dancing with Roger. Or back at the loft. It seems so long ago right now. "You're not dancing anymore, you\rquote re in the hospital barely breathing due to lung failure from malnutrition."

He looks at the floor and up at me. "So are you going into the fire or not?" I can't go into fire. Am I being ridiculous? Should I just go for the sake of Roger? And myself? This is so crazy. I take three step forwards. "I'm right behind you Mark." I get even closer and it's not even close to what I suspected. I can look right into it without burning my eyes and all I see is bright shiny stars on a pitch black sky that is dragging me into it and I cannot defy it. I have that feeling of falling. You can feel it in your stomach. All weird and twisted. I'm freefalling like you do in sky diving only I am not diving towards the ground, I'm diving towards the sky itself. "Mark! Don't be scared! I have to go now but you'll be fine, I know it!" He's fading now into transparency and for the first time in this whole weird ordeal I want him to stay. "No! Don't go! I don't know where I'm going! Please help!!" I'm sobbing and he just continues to fade. I haven't stopped falling. It' s getting really cold and wet. I feel the rain beating on my back and now I can stand. Where am I? It looks like a street but there is no one here. It's really gray and quiet. There's a phone booth but who will I call? Plus, oh this is nice, the line's dead. I don't know what else to do. I'm sitting on the curb and my head is aching. My reflection in the water looks pale and disoriented. The streetlight is flickering and I want to sleep. But I can't of course. Someone is coming. His footsteps making splashing sounds as it rains harder. He's getting closer. Who is he? I know it's a man because his structure and I can see the outline of his hands and hair. He's about 5 feet away and I still can't see him. He seems to be a human shadow. He gets into the streetlight. It's Roger. 

"What are you doing here?" I am in shock right now. How is he of all people here? "You don't sound so excited to see me." He seems sad and very tired. "Oh Roger I am thrilled actually! It's just so confusing. Do you know what's going on?" Well I know you are in a coma and everyone has come down to see you. We are all so worried." I want to scream and kick something. Why can't I wake up? "Even Benny came down. He's paying for the hospital room." "Oh that's nice of him. Seeing has he almost got us evicted and betrayed us in more ways than one." I can't stand Benny. He always wants to give financial aid, buy our friendship. He can\rquote t buy mine. "Mark. you know he's been a little tolerable since Muffy--er--Alison died." Oh did I mention it? Car Crash. Boo Hoo. "Maybe. I really don't care right now. Roger how do I-we-get out of here?" I'm not acting like myself. Well who I think I am anyway."Honestly Mark, there is no we. You have to do this on your own. I just came here to tell you that I love you Mark. Always have Always will." And with the sweetest of kisses on the nose he is gone.

"Roger!! Goddamnit. This makes no sense.Please someone! Anyone!" I'm basically laying in the street right now. No one is here. People. Don't. Exist. Here. I realize that now as I begin walking again. I really don't think this is a dream. Because if this was a dream then how could I feel the truck coming over me and the paramedic saying "We're losing him, we're losing him!" Roger is standing next to me. Sobbing. I close my eyes. And when I open them again, I'm surrounded by white.

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**A/N:: Tell me what you think and you will get cyber muffins!! Who doesn't like muffins?!?!?! Now who can guess what was real?:)**


	5. Chapter 4 Schoolgirls and Concussions

**Disclaimer:: I own nothing and I am making no money.**

**A/N: I give you chapter 4 :) Reviews appreciated. Muffins for everyone!!!!**

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Someone is holding my hand. Tightly. "Owwww". I can talk. Someone must hear me. Roger looks at me. "You're awake!" He basically praises the Lord and hugs me tighter than he held my hand. "Oh Mark, I'm so sorry!" Hes sobbing into my shoulder now. He's repeating it over and over again. I think Joanne went and got the nurse because shes injecting something in my arm. Ugh I hate needles. "Roger, Roger it's okay it's okay." I'm trying to soothe him but he just keeps saying "No it's not, No it's not." Well this is going nowhere. Everyone else has tears in their eyes too. What happened to me?

I find out later when they get me home and Roger finally stops apologizing that I had collapsed in the loft due to malnutrition and Roger was carrying me to the hospital and I insisted that I would not go, and started to walk even though it was hard to breathe. I collapsed in the middle of the road as a big moving truck came and went over me, luckily I was just in the right spot under the truck as to not get major damage but passed out because of a concussion and was in a coma for about 2 days. Roger feels horribly guilty, even though it was my own stubbornness. I feel horrible for doing this to everybody and want to cut again but I will wait until it all blows over.

We go to The Life about two weeks after the "accident". It was one of our lunches with Collins, Angel, and Angelica. Angelica was just about to say "Mama" and than it hit me. The dream. Where I was in a car and then in,what was that, seems like, fire?!?!? And then falling and ending up on the street. Where I was hit. But Mark (age 16) said I was already in a coma when I had just passed out in the loft. This doesn't make sense. Roger said he loved me? I love him but he certainly doesn't love me, that's just not how it goes. I was planning on being hopelessly in love with him and maybe when he dies, I'd tell him. Roger Davis does not love Mark Cohen. That's just how it is.

So, after leaving The Life, Angel insisting I eat everything in site, I tell Roger about the dream, minus of course the I love you. I did however tell him that he told me about being in a coma and everyone worrying. He said that I had been wandering on the street a bit and he had been talking to me but hadn't said anything about being in a coma of course. Of course. It makes sense. When I was having that dream about the falling and the car I was asleep, in a coma, in Rogers arms. I had woken up and started walking around and he was saying things about comas because I was in one and was delusional because after all people in comas can wake up for a bit. My mind is weird. But I still can't figure out the I love you. Maybe I should ask him. Maybe I should pursue cannibalism.

Roger Davis loves Mark Cohen?!?!?! I feel like a Schoolgirl. Maybe I will go etch it in a tree somewhere. He told me today. We were sitting down to our lovely dinner of leftover pasta from the loft and he looked at me and said "Do you remember me telling you I love you?" I am so shocked, I almost choke. "Yes". I manage to utter. He looks at his food, embarrassed. "Well that's good." he says and looks at me. He picks up his food and stands up, which makes me do the same. "Thats very good." and he kissed me deep on the lips.

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******A/N: Yeah it's short, sorry! I'm planning on chapter 5 being a lot longer though, it will be up by the 10th. Have a great week everyone D**


	6. Chapter 5 Parties and Mommies

**A/N: ****This is long overdue. Sorry :( but i got bad reviews and totally felt discouraged to continue. On to Chapter 5:)**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. RENT belongs to Jonathan Larson.

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_2 months later _

_Mark POV_

Two months has passed since I collapsed in the loft. It doesn't feel like 2 months. Time is going by so fast, especially with Roger never leaving my side. He has been such a barrel of support and love. There is nothing I can do to repay him. He even got me to eat a whole meal. He knows it's going to take time and he doesn't rush me. As mushy as it sounds I do fall in love with him more everyday. Everyone else has been so kind and supportive also. Angel, Collins and Angelica have been over at least 3 times a week with delicious food from a bakery by their apartment. Angel makes sure I eat at least a muffin. Joanne and Maureen even came down again about a month ago. It was very unexpected. They said they were in the neighborhood. When in reality they had came down because Roger told them I had stopped eating again.

Angel and Collins are planning a party. Its Angelica's 2nd birthday. They want to have it at the loft. Roger thinks they will tear it up. I don't think our loft can get much worse then it is. Angelica was actually Angela and belonged to Angel's sister Angelica. Angelica died about 6 months after Angela was born and Angel was the one to get custody. She renamed her Angelica after her sister. It took a lot to get her though. Even though it was in Angelica's will, they thought Angel was unfit to be a guardian. Of course thats bullshit, Angel is a great mother. Anyway everyone is coming to the party, even Benny. No one really wants him to come, but he insists. Joanne and Maureen are coming down from California with "a surprise guest". Surprises make me nervous. I hope its not who I think it is. Maureen has been talking to my mother. Why has she been talking to my mother? I wish I knew. It could be some evil scheme to get me to move back to Scarsdale, which Maureen wants me to do because she thinks it would be "good for me". I swear Maureen gets under my skin sometimes.

The party is tomorrow. Roger says I should stop being so nervous. I'm pacing a hole in the floor he says. I can't help it. I really do not want to see my mother. Why would Maureen do this? I have called her numerous times and told her not to bring her. She said she's not and I need to calm down. Why would she bring my mother anyway? She doesn't even know Angelica!!! It's all so ridiculous. My mother knows just what to say to get me to collapse emotionally. Shes that type of person that just eats you away.

Roger comes and hugs me hard. His fingers feel good rubbing my hair. "Let's go to bed." He whispers in my ear. He can say anything in my ear and I just melt. "Ok" I say reluctantly. We climb into bed and he holds me and asks "What did you buy Angelica?" I love what he's doing. Trying to get my mind off it. "I got her her own little Barbie video camera with film and everything." "That's so sweet of you Marky." "What did you get her?" "A fisher price guitar with a microphone." "Thats nice." I'm very tired all of a sudden. "Good night Mark" He whispers delicately. "Night" is all I can reply.

The morning of the party is hectic. Party decorations, food, presents, drinks, candy, and wrapping paper are everywhere. Roger has confetti in his hair and is shaking his head over the sink with Angel trying to get it out. Collins is hanging a pinata and Angelica is sleeping on the couch. Someone knocks.

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**A/N: What do you think? Reviews appreciated. Happy Easter!! )**


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